When You’re Not Getting Your Needs Met

Not Getting your Needs Met?

“You don't get to tell people how to love you. You get to choose if you want to participate in the way that they love.” - Tracy Coffman

We've all been in relationships where our needs aren't being met and it can be very frustrating. Usually we just can't understand why is it so difficult. We want some simple things like attention and connection. Maybe we want to be appreciated for all that we do, or maybe we want to be desired and feel attractive to our partner.

Now we all deserve to give our relationships our very best and for that to be considered a beautiful gift from our partners but where it usually goes wrong is when we have our list of needs and we set out on a mission to change our partners into being the person that can check those boxes for us. We tell them what we want, and when they can't or won't meet our needs we tell them again and again. Typically our partner feels like we are complaining and just does not know how to give us what we want.

What does this look like? Maybe they give a few more hugs, or try to talk to us more, and make some changes for a few days, weeks or months but eventually it goes back to how it was. She goes back to who she really is and how she really loves. Why? because that's who she is and how she really loves. We may not like the answer, so we stay in this circular struggle of feeling like our needs are not being met and not seeing any changes and feeling frustrated.

Now I am not going to say that people cannot change the way they engage in their relationship because they absolutely can with the right help and support . But they don’t just suddenly wake up one day and do it differently because you asked them to. People can evolve and change but your spouse is not here on this planet in order to meet your needs. She's not and neither is anyone else.

Your job is not to convince, nag, or attempt to control others into being who we need them to be. Your job is to understand and meet your own needs, love others for where they are, and who they are and then tell the truth to yourself about what is really possible and not possible in the relationship. You don't get to force your spouse into being who you want them to be so that you can get your needs met. You do, however, get to choose what works for you. You get to choose whether or not the relationship is in line with what you want to create in your life.

So I have a client who has been married about 10 years now. He has been wanting affection and more connection in his marriage but cannot seem to get there. This isn’t what they had in the beginning of the marriage and is not something they have ever really done. So now, he is trying to tell his wife that he really wants and needs these things in the marriage and she just isn’t able to give that to him. This wasn't the implied agreement between them when they got together and she really does not know how to connect the way he wants her to. She tries to give him what he needs but she truthfully just does not have that to give. She isn’t a bad wife or a bad person at all. It just makes them a couple that want very different things inside of the marriage. She is happy and fulfilled with things being how they have always been. He is truly wanting more and needing to feel connected.

Since we have been working together, he has learned to see her for who she is and to stop trying to contort her into someone else. He sees and appreciates her for who she is and who she isn’t. He has had to face some difficult truths and accept that they do not want and need the same kind of relationship to feel fulfilled. He has also had to face the reality that he does not want to be in a disconnected relationship any longer and has made the very difficult and painful decision that he cannot remain in the marriage.

If you're ready to take this further for yourself and find out how you can set yourself up to better get your needs met, I invite you to schedule a complimentary Discovery Call with me to see if there is a fit for us to work together.

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